POWER OF A SOUL
The following article has been submitted by Angela Hall
Had I not found Kabbalah, my life would have been very different there is no question about that and in truth there is a chance I wouldn’t be alive today. Seven years ago, before Kabbalah, I was a granddaughter, daughter, wife and mother. Shortly after discovering Kabbalah I lost my entire world.
This is my story…
Having a strong passion for knowledge and writing from a very young age, bookstores became one of my favorite spots to be and this particular day, in the local Barnes & Noble, I stumbled across, “The Power of Kabbalah.”
On the carpeted floor of my house in Tennessee, in one sitting, I read the entire book. As I finished the last page I felt that I had just discovered the key to eliminating all the space in a world divided, including my own world filled with petty insecurities and doubts. Prejudices and judgments no longer had a place. Race, religion, sex, political views, mistakes, circumstances, income, and disabilities were no longer the problem; I was. The general response, “because it is written,” was no longer acceptable for the large questions in life and had now been replaced with solid answers. I could no longer be a victim, explaining the unexplainable challenges as, “God’s will” because I now knew how to be the creator of my own life through first accepting responsibility for whatever came in it. The fear of a horns and pitchfork devil who resided in a pit of fire no longer had any sway in my decision making. I was now aware of a much more real opponent, the voice inside that works diligently to keep me, us, from becoming our greatest potential.
My mind and perception of the world around me had just expanded to an entirely new reality. I knew in that moment it wasn’t by chance I had come across the wisdom of Kabbalah. What I didn’t know was that my new reality was about to be put to the test.
A few weeks had passed. The phone rang. My mother called to tell me she had been concerned about some health issues but didn’t want to worry me until she knew for certain. Her tests had come back; her doctor told her that she had cancer, it was terminal and that she had 4-6 months to live. I was married at the time and lived 6 hours away from my hometown and the rest of my family. My mother’s only request was to spend what time she had left with us; me, my husband and our son. I should clarify that “our son” was not my biological son. However, with his mother passing away when he was only three months old, me having come into his life when he was one and taking care of him for six years, I was the only mother he knew and the only grandson my mother had a chance to spoil. We were family and it was as simple as that.
I quit my job and replaced my time with being a full-time caregiver for my mother and family. I loved being able to spend more time with them, but in the same instance it was torture; watching my mother’s health deteriorate, pain grow from the cancer and all the time I worked so hard to be strong – never shedding a tear. My husband and I had become distant as well and I didn’t understand why. He wasn’t the man I had married.
Five months later my mother passed away. As the coroner came to take her to the mortuary, I went to the furthest corner of my house, sat on the floor, head between my knees and cried like a baby. All the tears I had tucked away could no longer be held back.
Three days later, as we had finished the funeral preparations, I called home to let everyone know we were on our way, a 6 hour drive to my hometown. I could tell that something was wrong, something was very wrong. They explained that my grandfather had just passed away. The doctors had found a brain tumor and decided the best option was to operate. The surgery went extremely well, but after surgery an undetected blood clot had released and he died instantly. This news knocked the wind out of me; literally, I was floored. In three short days I had lost my mother and the only father figure I had ever known.
The funerals for me were a complete out of body experience. I had never in my entire life felt so alone. This however, was just the beginning.
After coming home and looking around, I found that every room reminded me of my mother and how much I missed her. The house felt empty and the distance between me and my husband felt more real than ever. I didn’t understand what was happening and I was in so much pain. Needing something to keep me busy I decided to redecorate our house and in the process of fumbling through our basement discovered my husband was an addict.
Everything suddenly made since; the mood swings, the anger, sudden trips out and leaving the room to take a call. I was floored again and thought to myself, “God, I don’t know if I can do this.” I was stronger than I knew. We, close friends and family, organized an intervention and he agreed to go to rehab. However, I discovered recovery is something that has to be wanted, it cannot be forced. Shortly after my husband came home he made the choice to leave, taking his son (who we had once considered our son) with him. As I stood in an empty house I lay on our son’s bed and cried. I screamed and demanded to God, “Mercy!” I knew that I had reached my limit and could not endure anything else. I didn’t have it in me to be strong anymore and I didn’t see any reason for living. As I continued my desperate cries to God, a silence came through me and I remembered the book. I didn’t know why this was happening to me but I knew there was a reason. I knew that I was the creator of my own life. The voice of my opponent was stronger than I had ever experienced and I knew I needed clarity. I couldn’t make it through this experience on my own. I remembered the number on the back of the book (1-800-kabbalah).
Thoughts began to race through my mind. “Why am I going to call this number?” “How desperate and pathetic am I?” “Call it now!” “What if they laugh at me?““What if no one is there?”“What if I share my story and they are just trying to sell something.” Then I had a reality check, “Seriously, at this point, what do I have to lose?”
I dialed the number and a lady answered. I told her all that had happened and very simply she said, “What do you want?” I told her that I didn’t want to feel alone and I wanted certainty that everything would be ok. The lady on the other end of the line gave me one of the 72 names of God to meditate on and as we meditated together there was a brief instance I felt peace. I knew without a doubt, in the bigger picture, everything would be ok.
My battle was far from over.
In the three months that followed my head was dark, thoughts of suicide were often and the temptation of the darkness was strong. I held on for dear life, repeating over and over in my mind that 72 names meditation, and holding on to that brief moment of clarity, certainty and light. With the loud voice in my head protesting my life was over, it took all the strength I had in me to follow the smaller voice in my heart saying, “This is just the beginning.”
Out of the blue, for no specific reason, on no specific day there was a moment I found myself smiling, laughing and it was genuine. I realized everything was different. I had created my world and I was happy in it.
Kabbalah left a very deep and undeniable impression on my very being and I am completely aware to this very day why I continue to study – it works.
To date; my ex-husband, his family and I talk occasionally and are very supportive of each other. He is completely clean now and has been for quite some time. He is remarried and happy, still living in Tennessee. His son, now 12, has his own cell phone and we often keep in touch by text. I was quite possibly the happiest woman in the world on May 7th 2011, when I got a text from him saying, “Happy Mother’s Day.”
I now have a very different life but more fulfilled than I could have imagined. Three years ago I moved to Los Angeles, CA so that I could be a more active student and I am doing just that; my absolute best to be the initiator of change in my life and the world around me. I am currently pursuing my passion for writing like I never had the courage to do before, volunteering, attending classes and being a normal 32 year old single woman, living and loving my life in Los Angeles.
Every day I am inspired and humbled by the teachers at The Kabbalah Centre; their level of care and lack of personal agenda. I consider myself so blessed to have discovered this wisdom, to be able to share this wisdom and to be a part of those who have made it there life’s purpose to be the creator’s of positive change in the world.
If I had one wish for each of us, including myself, it would be the same wish I sent to my favorite 12 year old little boy this week when he confided in me he had gotten into trouble at school. I asked him why he had done what he had and he said, “I don’t know.” I told him, “I hope you spend some time looking back and thinking about why you did it. Whatever the answer know that it doesn’t make you good or bad, what it does make you is a stronger and better person for having the courage to ask yourself why. Always ask yourself why. I love you no matter what.”
I wish for all of us with every step we make, the courage to look at ourselves, to know who we are, who we want to be and to do it on purpose. Our mistakes and misfortunes don’t make us bad or disadvantaged; they are there to build us if we let them.